The Business of Growing

growing

I’m not picking up little toys as much as I use to.  There are always a few here and there- but nothing like before.  I don’t have to sign into Netflix accounts anymore for the kids- they know how.  Today I stayed in my warm bed while the kids ate breakfast and ran around sliding on our floors with socks.  Their giggling and laughter was what I always imagine having kids would be like.  I just sat there and enjoyed every second of it.

The truth is when I dreamt of having kids- I dreamt of older children.  Never was a baby something I desired.  Or a toddler. In all honesty I never thought we would move to Fargo, ND either but hey- that’s life.  Sometimes I joke that I must have thought I would give birth to a five year old because I was so shocked when I realized what actually comes out when you’re done pushing.  I’ll never forget looking at my first born in the hospital and wondering what the heck I’m suppose to do with that thing.  If I’m honest- I wondered that up until he was four.  I’m slightly convinced kids that are younger then four are aliens.  I have no evidence to support my theory but in this day and age evidence isn’t much of a requirement. So aliens- That’s what those young toddlers and babies are to me.  I know there are those people out there that love babies and never ever want their kids to grow up- but they’re crazy and I’m sure need some sort of intervention and/or treatment of some sort. Because torture isn’t something normal healthy people wish would last longer. Just throwing that out there.

So this morning, I’m typing this and watching my kids unload the dishwasher and put the dirty dishes in it.  Happily.  I’m talking to Mom about their Christmas present ideas and there’s not one toy. We’ve moved into the  serious Lego and video game season of parenthood and I couldn’t be more happy about it. I feel as though this summer, along side grief and loss, my children pulled us all out of the trenches of parenting little aliens and because of it life has been a bit brighter.  I’m enjoying most days where before it was survival of the fittest.  I’m finding that I have time on my hands- a lot of it.  I even got bored the other day.  Someone asked me a while ago if I was tired and I actually said, “no, not really. Not at all actually.”  I feel like I must be speaking another language.  Not tired?? Bored?  Time??  No toys??  Hello life. Hello beautiful beautiful life.

So if you’re like me and not really into the raising aliens thing but are still in the trenches- rest is coming. Sweet relief and help is on the horizon.

The older kids are where it is at.  

From four years old and up- you can actually have conversations with your little people and reason with them.  You can correct and teach and see that they actually listen because they trust you and they want to grow and learn. Leaving the house feels less like herding cats and a lot more like leaving the house in a timely fashion (unless you have a husband- then disregard that). And having an eight year old?? Holy heaven folks.  It’s pure love, snuggles, and maturity. It’s heaven I say.  My eight year old is mature and old enough to stay home alone, do school on his own, and hold down a “job” here at the house to earn money- but he’s still young enough to need Mom snuggles and cozy blankets.  It’s everything you ever thought it would be.  Unless you’re of the troubled souls that like that alien stuff.  I’ll provide links below for places to seek help.

The other day my husband came home from work and we were all content, rested, and busy doing our own thing.  He sat down, a bit- tense and looked around.  I suppose he was ready for his second shift?  He must have sat there for a good ten minutes before he said, “so if you all don’t need my help I think I’ll go up into my office and watch my show.”  His voice trembled a bit.  I looked above my glasses and didn’t need need to say a thing- I just smiled and up the stairs he confusingly went.  So Dads- this is for you too.  Second shift gets better.

Anyways. Moms. Dads.  Aunts.  Uncles. Friends.  If you’re in the trenches hang in there. Hunker down, dodge the bullets, and survive!!!!! A new day is coming.  Peace.  A clearing of the the clouds.  A bed with just you, and your love. Not the kid love, the spouse love.  You’ll awake and realize it’s still just you two.  You’ll smile, lay back down, stretch, and proudly sprawl and cover as much as the bed as you can and then you’ll EXHALE….and you’ll stay there as long as you can because YOU CAN.

Don’t despair.  I mean, you can totally freak the heck out because it’s crazy insane, but don’t despair.  The trenches are temporary and worth it all.  God knew what He was doing in making the trenches be the start.  Roll with it.  Survive.  And when that day comes- enjoy every second of sprawling out on your bed while the kids bring you coffee and do the dishes.  You earned it.

This- it’s real and can happen. Promise.

The Business of Kids?

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I actually found a dust pan in my toilet- and sadly, that was a relief.  No really, I did and it was.  I have witnesses. Finding my dust pan in the toilet is why, though I hardly ever leave my house, I’m absolutely exhausted. It’s also likely why, though I don’t cry much, I feel like crying at any given moment.  It’s why I”m afraid to sit down.  It’s why we can’t have nice things.

Today my three year old has been doing that fake cry thing where he throws himself on the floor and screams.  Why? Because he’s full, “up to my neck” he says.  So he wants me to make him toast, but I tell him to finish the lunch he didn’t touch.  “But I’m full!!! Now make me toast right now!!!!!!!!”  Repeat, I kid you not, for the next five hours. During that time, I’m cleaning and doing school with the seven year old and painting the trim of our house.

Ohhhhhhhh THE TRIM.  I’ve actually painted it three times now.  First, because it was hideous- the 80’s called and they wanted their golden oak back.  So I sanded, painted, and then painted again.  Well, primed then painted.  Waited for the coats to dry, repeated.  Finally I was done, and the white looked so gorgeous and I was so happy!!! I backed away from the stairs to look upon my shiny new white railing and just then, my oldest came sliding down the stairs with…nails on his fingers…digging into the painted railing. Like blood oozing out from a deep cut, came the oak and then, my heart.  My bleeding, bleeding heart. “It adds character.” I thought.  It will be story!!!  A few minutes later, came my three year old (then two) with his dump truck, on the railing.  “Ooooo, paint!!!”  He noticed it scratched so he helped it along on purpose.  Like peeling the skin off the sunburn.  I did everything the way I was suppose to, why is it peeling??!! I re-read all the do-it-yourself blogs and I did everything how I was suppose to.  So why, why was it peeling??!! Kids.  That’s why.  Kids. They are born with this super human power- all they have to do is touch something and POOF, it’s done for.  I cried internally for a bit and moved on from the railing.  Can’t win them all, right? Flash forward to a year later, I finally felt ready to re-paint everything, again.  I get everything all ready and touch up all the peeled off places (yes, I even sanded again).  Oh man!!! It looked so good, it was so satisfying.  Everything dried and seemed to last- even with the kids.  As I was vacuuming however, I kept finding these little white flaky things all over the floor…as I followed their track I realized they were from the trim behind the curtains. Those little twerps!!!! The somehow peeled that.  Then, I looked around…and it was as if a little paint peeling elf had gone all over the house.  I simply hung my head in defeat, and in complete rage tore even more paint off.  If you can’t beat them, join them right?!  The kids thought this was awesome and began peeling places that hadn’t yet been peeled.  “Mom is the best!!! We get to peel this all!!!’  It wasn’t really what I had in mind, but hell…whatever. Flash forward to today, about six months later.  Today, I claim victory.  Despair and victory.  I sanded, primed, and painted again.  But this time, oh this time, I was armed!  With craft gloss sealing spray.  Because, kids.  Don’t judge.  I let all the paint dry, opened all the windows despite that is was freezing out, and sprayed all the trim with craft sealing spray.  Yup. Because I win.  I’m in the business of winning! Because I will have nice trim dangit!!!!!! And the kids, they loose.  Loosers.  Pffft. No but really, I was tempted to take out a business loan with Square Capital Funding, just so I could hire someone else to do all that nonsense.  But I decided I liked the battle….a little.

Anyways, that dust pan in my toilet thing. So my oldest son walked into the bathroom and told me I better come look.  I was afraid.  No, I was terrified.  No, I was shaking in my Uggs, about to pee/cry/laugh go insane.  And I’m medicated ya’ll.  Anyways.  What will I find in there?  Poop all over the wall? Not like I haven’t seen that.  What about kitchen utensils in the toilet? Been there.  The sink overfilling and flooding the bathroom? Check. Oh oh!!!  Dogs that got into the paint buckets that were locked in the linen closet??  Pfft, been there.  You can still see puppy paw prints even!! And in my favorite grey color too.  So I sat there, scared to go look in that bathroom, but just too curious.  I walked in, trembling…to see that glorious dust pan in the toilet.  I exhaled, giggled, and thanked our glorious savior that it wasn’t that bad.

Anyways, I spend most mornings feeding the twerps beautiful children in whom I bore in my womb then cleaning up after them.   I finally make my breakfast, and sit down.  Then it happens- my oldest son grabs the other chair and moves it AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE to me.  He leans on my left arm and says, “I love my Mommy snuggle time. Ohhh..what’s that? Can I have it?”  I say, “no.” He replies, “then can you go make it for me?” I say, “No.” Then he proceeds to beg me- on my left shoulder (I’m left handed mind you, so everytime I move my arm his head moves with it) for the entire duration of my breakfast.  Which, is about two minutes because I give up and just give him the &*45!@! food.  I could loose some weight anyways, you know?

After I they eat my their meals, I tell Ayden to get his pencil and paper for school.  He sits down and starts to do his writing for the day. Like nails on a chalkboard I hear it.  The first, “awwww ooohhhhhhh maaaaaannnn” of the school day. With tears.  Afraid to ask, but knowing I need to atleast act like I care, I ask what’s wrong. The conversation goes like this;

Ayden: I made a mistake and…and….(now crying) I don’t have an eraser so I have to start all over

Me: Why don’t you have an eraser?

Ayden: Because I eat them off (more crying).

Me:  So whose fault is this, and who can do something about it?

Ayden: Me, but I just…I’m so tired and there are no erasers because I eat them! Whyyyyyyyyyyy do I have to…(now he’s weeping folks) eat my erasers??!! I don’t understand why I, waaaaaaa dooooo thaaaaat.

Me:  Say nothing, slowly back away and get the wine. It’s only 9 am but, sanity folks…sanity.  I’m convinced any mother that has not gone off the deep end drank a lot of wine.

Sometimes wine though, makes me have to use the bathroom.  So I run into the powder room trying very hard not to have an accident (because, childbirth…because…kids) and come to a screaching hault.  I don’t actually see the roll of TP, just the TP rolled out all over the floor.  Knowing this is my oldest sons doing, I know what’s next.  Muddy footprints on the toilet seat. Yeah, you read that right.  The kid struggles when it comes to number 2, ok?  Before it was even a thing, he decided squatting was easier. So, he um, squats.  With muddy feet from being outside.  Also- he’s very passionate about not using too much TP, so he uses teeny tiny little squares and tosses them behind him hoping they make it in. Which they don’t, because…squatting. Because, kids.  I digress.  As I’m about to pee my pants I see the horror that is the bathroom after my oldest has used it.  Do I clean it real quick?  Do I deal and just, go??  At this rate, going outside would be cleaner….I momentarily consider it before I realize there are no tree’s and no privacy.  But alas, I’m a Mom and this is a lesson to be learned.  I yell for my son to make him clean it up and pray for the entire twenty minutes it takes because I still really have to go.  FINALLY he’s done, and I can pee.  So…I sit down and the bathroom door slams open. “Mom, I can’t figure out this math problem” yells Ayden.  At this point I’m just, are you freaking kidding me?!  Behind Ayden runs in a naked three year old- “Mom, fix my jammies so I can put them on!!!!” Behind him comes the cat, being chased by both dogs.  I sigh. I explain the math. I fix the jammies,  I shoo the animals. I forget to pee.  I get up and wash my hands anyways, because kids.

In my distress, I was messaging a friend and she kindly reminded me I don’t even have a car, and can’t even go drive my van off a cliff.  She even had a truck picture to help illustrate.  Reality is so dang hard, you know???

And that’s why we can’t have nice things.  Because kids.  Because poop.  Because boys.  Because a dust pan in a toilet is a relief.  Because we forget to pee.  Because our carpet will also look gross and we’ll long for Red River Carpet Cleaning to come save the day. Because we’re stay at home Moms. Because kids. Because I’m exhausted.  Because we love them anyways. Because dangit, we love the little twerps. And wine. We love wine.

Guest Post!

Have I mentioned how great my wife is at writing?  Well she’s rad- take a look.

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“Mommy, I can’t sleep,” is what I heard last night when both kids are usually sound asleep.  He was wide awake, climbing on the railing of our stairs and trying not to smirk.  His eyes shifted behind my husband and I, and his smirk was no longer hard to contain.  “What’s going on, Mom?  Was that a bomb?  Did that news just say we are at war? With who? Can I watch?” I looked over at Levi and we both just seemed to have an entire conversation with our eyes.  “No.  Go back to bed and dream of monster trucks and fast cars.  Dream of being a scientist that cures cancer,” is what we wanted to say.  Instead, as if accepting some sort of defeat- we dropped our shoulders, hung our heads, and told him to come snuggle up and we would explain everything.

“So will Daddy go back and fight?” was his first real question after explaining the bombing of Syria.  Thankfully, we could say no.  Of course, he was instantly relieved and then all of the sudden decided telling us what he would do if he were President of the United States.  Being the people we are, we challenged every plan of his and undoubtedly frustrated him.  He quickly realized it’s not so easy to be President. You can’t just do whatever you want (ahem….or SHOULDN’T).  After a while he quieted down, and just watched the news with us.  Eventually we all turned off the TV and went to bed.

The following morning I decided Ayden would in fact be- President of the United States of America.  We threw out all the math, spelling, and reading and focused on the current events.  Ayden appointed his little brother as Vice President, and of course I became an adviser.  We ate breakfast, watched the most recent developments of Syria and ISIS- and then got to work. We’ve talked so much already about ISIS and current events that he was thankfully pretty aware of what was happening.  To be sure, I went ahead and asked him questions to make sure he really understood.  I really wanted to take a back seat, and do my best to not influence his answers.  So I just asked questions, and wrote down his answers word for word.  It should be noted, the President requested to just be called, “Ayden.”  ;o)

Me to Ayden:  There’s a problem in the world right now, what is it?

Ayden: War

Me: What about war?

Ayden: This one is like bad, not good.  Not that war is good, but this one is bad.  Ishl….Is…Islams are killing Christians.

Me: Are they just killing Christians, and is it all of Islam or a group that came out of Islam?

Ayden: Some, not all of Islam are killing lots of people, not just Christians.

Me: Why are they killing people?

Ayden: Because they want everyone to be Islam.  They are asking people to like, convert to Islam and if they don’t they are killing them.

Me: Why are they doing that? What’s their end goal?

Ayden: They want the world to be Islam. Like, they want everyone to believe in their God.

Me: Don’t Christians want that too?

Ayden: But Christians don’t kill people that don’t believe in Jesus.  We just kind of tell people about Him, and then just…you know…like walk off.

~~Right here we took some time to talk about extremists in religion- all religions. We talked about what terrorists are, and how even out of Christianity can come evil. Ayden was very. We took a good hour to just talk about it and process it together.~~

Me: OK Ayden, so we know what the problem is.  As President, how do you intend to solve the problem?

Ayden:  I don’t know. Like, that’s just a really hard question to answer…I just don’t know.

Me: Well, I could help you make a list of choices and then you could choose from that list. And as we go through making the list, you can try to think of other ideas as well, ok?

Ayden: Ok. Yeah, I just don’t even know like…how to help.

~~So at this point, I mentioned the choices President Obama has right now. We talked about the nuke, we talked about battle, we talked about humanitarian aide.  Ayden came up with some ideas, and I did.  We compiled the following list (these are his words too):

1. Train other Armies to fight the battle on their own

2. Drop the Nuke

3. All Christians and good guys go fight by air, ground, water, and swimming.

4. Only humanitarian aide.

~~Notice that doing nothing wasn’t on that list.  I had suggested it, and Ayden very confidently said no.  It was not an option to him, to do nothing. At this point we systematically went through the list and talked about the effects of each choice.  After discussing these, Ayden changed his list to the following:

1. Train other Armies to fight the battle on their own

2. Evacuate all refugees, provide them homes in the US with foster families and in the White House.  When all good guys are out of the area, drop the Nuke on the bad guys.  Then, help bring all the refugees home and help rebuild their country.

3. Soldiers will got to battle form the Air force, Navy, Army, and Marines.

4. Humanitarian Aide only- but a big one.  Like, all the Christians go and help and if they die because of the bad guys it doesn’t matter because they will go to heaven.  I think that’s what Jesus would do.

~~So we went over the list, and Ayden decided on number 2.  I then explained to Ayden that he first needs to have congress approve his plan- and that’s going to be hard.  He’s going to need to convince them that it’s the best plan.  Ayden took some time to think about it and when he was ready, he gave me reasons for his plan.  I didn’t write any of that down, I just listened, because I was just really into it. But he wasn’t convincing, and congress did not approve.  They were worried about the overall cost of a plan like that, and that it seemed unrealistic to be able to move an entire country to America- and only the good guys.  Financially, politically, and for homeland security’s sake it was just too risky.

Ayden and I then went back to the list and he chose to send the Military to strike and help teach the Armies how to fight- essentially he chose what Obama did but with boots on the ground right away. Of course, Congress approved this plan and Ayden was very excited.

“Are we done? Is that it,” Ayden asked.  “Well,” I said, “not really.  Do you believe in Jesus as God?” Ayden replied, “yes,” as if to say, “duh Mom.”  “Does God have something to say about our enemies, and about fighting?”  Again, Ayden replied, “yes,” but this time he become more quiet as he thought.

Me: Ayden, what is our chief goal in life, our purpose?

Ayden: To glorify God and enjoy Him.

Me: Should we see if your plan glorifies God?

Ayden: Yeah.

So we grabbed the bible and opened it up.  First, we read Luke 6:27-36,

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Hmm.  Ayden quickly began to question his plan.  We then read Romans 12:14, and 12:20

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.”
“To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’”

Proverbs 27:14-15 Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles, lest the LORD see it and be displeased, and turn away his anger from him.

Matthew 5:43-48
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?”

Now, I understand that we need to take context into the picture, and we’ll get to that as we continue to study this.  I’m going to keep this going as long as Ayden is interested. But for now, I decided to stick to the basics as much as possible.  After reading these verses, and examining the life Jesus lived, Ayden’s belief that Jesus would not harm anyone was confirmed for him.  In Ayden’s word, he was, “in a pickle.”  How, as a Christian, does Ayden also lead and protect his country? Can he do both?

“Mom, It’s like I’m the President of the United States, and God is the President of me.”

We sat there for a bit…quiet.  A couple times Ayden began to come up with ideas on how to make one of his Presidential plans work, while glorifying God but then he would stop before he even finished, realizing it wouldn’t work.  Then Ayden said, “I would rather have God then be President.”

I said, “Ok.”

And that’s where he left it…so that’s where I left it.

The Business of Getting Sick

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I love how consistent our God is.  He’s the beginning, middle, and end…..and knows all- yet nothing is new to Him and he consistently loves on me.  I don’t know why, but He does.  I’ve been down for some time, the most sick I have been in a very long time and it feels rather familiar.  I vaguely remember praying, and asking for rest a few weeks back- and here I am, being forced to rest and complaining about every second of it!  That got me to thinking about a time I was very sick (yet didn’t know it) and begged God for rest.  I was sick emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It was like sitting in a bouncy house trying to rest when it’s full of toddlers.   I was not glorifying God, I was in fact doing the opposite.  I was not living the way Christ would approve of and I was on a downward spiral that would have very quickly led to some serious problems.  I remember being tired, lonely, lost, empty, and in a quiet whisper I begged God to provide me with rest…doctor ordered rest that I could then use to take the pain away…the emotional and physical.  My life was spinning, and the only one powerful enough to stop it was God. Kind of like watching a toddler with chocolate ice cream run around over white carpet- you know a mess is happening but you can’t stop it.

Shortly after I whispered a prayer I was sure wouldn’t be heard- it happened.  I got diagnosed with Graves disease, went through a ton of medical tests, radiation on my thyroid, and I was ordered to rest. I slept for 3 months. I could not walk….I didn’t eat.  I slept.  And for the first time ever- I was pain free.  As I stayed in bed, I did a lot of talking to a God I didn’t know very well. I let go, and handed it all over to Him.  Throughout this process, my friends stopped coming around (which was, I am sure, intentional by God) and somehow while out to the doc I ran into a handsome old love (had I ONLY known then what the heck God was trying to say lol).  As I got stronger, I didn’t bother calling my old friends…I moved out of moms house and into my own place, and applied to Northwest Christian University.  I got a do-over….and desperately wanted to know this God better, this God that heard me. Through that process, real love came my way, and I haven’t stopped getting closer to Christ since (a journey that never ends).

That little whisper…that little plea for help that I doubted would be heard- set the course for a life saved by our Jesus.

So this time around, seeing as how I have Influenza A and haven’t been this sick in years….I wonder what God has in store for me?  I wonder what I will learn, I wonder the area of my heart God is focusing on?  I trust, from past experiences, these are the times where God really digs in if we let him…I can’t wait to come out of this new.  What a sweet, and precious gift we have- to be made new!

Before Hockey- My First Love

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“O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty; Nor do I involve myself in great matters, Or in things too difficult for me. 2Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me. 3O Israel, hope in the LORD From this time forth and forever.” Psalm 131

Woah.  Did you read the end, did you REALLY read the end?  “Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child rests against his mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me. 3O Israel, hope in the LORD From this time forth and forever.”  Have you ever seen a Mom of three or four kids….once of which is a baby and all around is chaos- the three year old is in the bathroom begging for help to wipe, the four year old is running around as superman and the sauce on the boiler is bursting, phone is ringing, Dad is arriving home, clothes are washing, lawnmowers mowing, dog barking, cat meowing, carpet needs cleaning-yet closely and intentionally placed is the baby- sound asleep on Moms chest. Baby is in complete and utter peace, nestled and settled there with Mom while chaos ensues around.  I have days, even as an almost thirty year old where I just drop my head, pout my lip and say “I want my Mommy.”  What strikes me the most is the picture that verse paints and how loudly is speaks to the chaos of my soul. I long for peace. I long for rest.  I long for quietness.  I have been contemplating this passage for some time, and desiring to my core what it speaks of but have yet been able to figure out how to achieve that kind of peace.  Don’t get me wrong- I have peace in my everyday life.  Things break, businesses fail, you need to take a business loan out with THOSE people you said you never would, people fail, dogs pee, bugs bite and so and so on…and I manage to get through relatively in tact and somewhat sane.  What I am longing for is that intimate, up close and personal trust and love in my Savior so much so that I can just throw it all up in the air, put my head down and settle before my Father with a “he’s got this” trust.

After a lot of praying, thinking, and some rather obvious hints from God I have realized the answer is right there- right in Psalm 131.  Notice how King David starts off by saying his heart is not proud.   I could go on and on about pride but to be honest…it’s something I currently struggle with.  What I can say is- any amount of pride, any reason for ones pride can and will keep you from an intimate and honest relationship with Christ.  If we at all think our good deeds, thoughts, or moments of comedic relief are because of our wisdom, sense of humor, or knowledge then how in the world can we find the peace that transcends all understanding when we don’t really believe we need Christ?  Nothing good comes from me.  Nothing wise comes from me.  The laughter from a joke I make is not mine. The good thoughts that bounce around in my head isn’t mine.   The only thing that comes truly from me is sin.  Yet everyday I am new, and too often I somehow convince myself I had something to do with it.  The more humbled I get (ok embarrassed too) the closer to God I feel and that directly correlates with the letting go of pride.

Now notice how King David says his eyes are not haughty in other words he really sees himself for the wretched human being he is- and sees how desperate he is for Christ.

The next verse “Nor do I involve myself in great matters or in things too difficult” caused me to pause for a bit. It caused me to pause so much, that as I type this it’s three days after the “pause.”  I have experienced a circumstance that was too much. It evoked fear, mistrust, confusion, fear of death, concern, compassion, patience, and pretty much any other emotion.  I have been burdened like I never thought possible and, again, Psalm 131 kept running through me.  Normally, I am a talker and a situation like this would cause me to retreat to my friends, family, or anyone.  I did talk to my most trusted friend and although it was helpful it left me completely and utterly empty- it was not what I needed.  My burden was still heavy, and my spirit broken.  I retrieved to myself for a bit- not talking to anyone, not even my husband.  My soul quieted.  After hours of this state I laid in bed, rolled over and overcome with my grief and burden I brokenly said, “Lord” to start talking to Him in a way I never have.  I needed Christ.  I wanted Him.  I was almost saying “Lord” in a way to check to see if he was even there….and as I quickly as I said “Lord” came the response “Yes” as if He was there all along, just waiting for me.  I was overcome with relief, gladness, joy and comfort because for the first time I sank- I sank into my Fathers arm knowing He was there. I felt Him and wept.  Like a newborn child….I rested in complete peace.   The reason I feel this experience to be so relevant to this verse in this passage was that, finally, I knew this burden was too great for me.  I NEEDED my Lord.  I chose to not involve myself in this matter, I chose instead to seek Christ.

“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” Luke 11:9

To whomever reads this- I have ,with my entire heart and soul, sincerely sought my Father.  I have longed for Him.  When I didn’t feel He was there (which has been the past 3 years) I searched harder.  At times my heart grew weary but I trusted, I believed, I always fell back on what I knew and I have been greatly blessed.  I don’t pretend at all to all of the sudden have it figured out, but I am sure- sure that if you do the same you too will be blessed with the presence and sight of our heavenly Father.  And like me, you will be changed forever.

Like a weaned child I am before my King, and he carries me.  My soul is quiet, and my heart full.  My eye’s are not haughty for they are fixed on my King.  I am a sinner in need of a savior…my hope and joy come only from Him…….

It’s me, Paul the Business Guy

Yeah- I decided it would be good to talk about business stuff. It might not always be BUSINESS related- I might give tips and I might just complain about stupid people in business.  Or smart people.  Either way, business is complicated and I like to talk about.  Did I mention I am a self made millionaire?  And I’m only 34.  So there’s that.

I might talk about the towing guy that is running a brilliant business.  I might talk more about faith and how it helps business, or the other way around.  I might talk about those small locally owned businesses you need to support.  Who knows!